so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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