Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
