I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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