What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
