she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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