I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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