I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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