Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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