Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
So much Jack, so little girl.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
