You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
