this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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