im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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