So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
