Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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