I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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