HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
even my farts smell like vagina
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Drunk walkin through police station. America
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
