I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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