My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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