The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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