you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
