The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
