apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
