Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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