My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
