Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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