She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
