Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
