my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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