I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize