Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
