Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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