I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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