Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize