you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
