I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
