he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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