and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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