She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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