I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
she peed on how many people?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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