I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
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