There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
how can u be prego again
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Sorry about my life...
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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