she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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