I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
