I wish my penis had an off switch
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
