Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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