This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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