I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
