The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
