my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
