Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
