Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
