I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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