Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize