I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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