If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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