nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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