Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
