Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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