What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
