She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
