6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
she told me i tasted like america
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
