i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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